To my Dearest Engaged Sibling,
I am so excited to hear the news of your engagement! This is such and important step in your life and I am glad you chose to share it with me. Choosing to start a life with another person whom you love is something God wants for you and is all part of his plan. Like it says in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” “marriage…is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His Children.” (1) It is so awesome that you have chosen to keep God’s commandment and seal your family for eternity in the temple of God. President Joseph Fielding Smith said, “The family is the most important organization in time or in eternity. Our purpose in life is to create for ourselves eternal family units. There is nothing that will ever come into your family life that is as important as the sealing blessings of the temple and then keeping the covenants made in connection with this order of celestial marriage.” (CR April 1972 p 13)
It is somewhat funny that you are asking me for advice, since I am not married, but you must have heard that I am in a Strengthening Marriage and Family class at BYU. So lucky for you I have lots of information on ways to strengthen marriage and family. Using the information from my class and information from the prophets on marriage, I will advise you on what to do for your engagement period, for establishing yourselves as a couple, and what you can do to develop a strong healthy marriage.
During the Engagement Period
Now that you are engaged there are many things that you can do to prepare for your marriage. An engagement period is a time for the couple to not only plan their wedding, but also their marriage. One thing that may be helpful as you plan your marriage would be to take a marriage prep course. In a 2002 study by Doherty and Carroll, they found that the average person who participated in a marriage prep course was significantly better off afterwards than 79% of people who did not participate. They also found that Premarital Preparation courses are effective in producing immediate short-term gains in interpersonal skills and overall relationship quality. A marriage prep course could be helpful as you prepare for your eternal family. An important thing to focus on is families, even now when you may think you are not yet part of a family. The Proclamation is given to the world, meaning it applies to everyone no matter his or her stage in life. Our focus should be on the family because that is what at the center of Heavenly Father’s Plan of Happiness. This is something on which you and your fiancé could be focusing. One way to do this is to decide now what you want to do as a family later down the line. Decide now about family home evening, family prayer and family scripture study. These things will help your family now and in the future to stay on the right path towards the celestial kingdom. Another way to stay focused on the family is to understand and gain a testimony of the purposes of marriage. This can be done through studying the Proclamation and the things prophets have said about marriage pertaining to God’s Plan of Happiness. Elder John H. Groberg taught that the first step towards temple marriage is to gain a testimony of temple marriage. Gaining a testimony of temple marriage will give you the motivation to take the steps and do the things that will lead you down the path to entering into the holy order of God. Because marriage for eternity is such a huge step in a person’s life it is important to make sure that one is not getting married for the wrong reasons, such as for appearance, fun, exciting, etc. The engagement is a time for the couple to evaluate their relationship to make sure that these are not the deciding factors in the relationship. Important relationship factors are commitment to the gospel, patience, honesty, hard working, family-oriented and other such attributes that matter on the eternal perspective. It is also important that you are able to see your fiancé in various situations to know their true character and that it is not just an act they are putting on for you. It is easy when you are dating to always have your best foot forward and to hide some of your faults. However, it is not so easy after marriage. That is why you two should discuss your relationship with honesty, pointing out the strengths and weaknesses you have in the relationship. This way you can enter your marriage with open eyes and heart. If it is found that there are potential problems, remember an engagement is not a marriage, and you are not under any obligation to marry the person. Some reasons to consider breaking off your engagement are:
Lack of love, meaning your relationship should be based on friendship and trust, not physical attraction.
Your partner tempts you to break commandments or covenants.
Partner doesn’t inspire the best in you
You have serious issues with their personality traits. A question you need to ask yourself is if you could live with their quirks for eternity.
There are unresolved family background issues that interfere with your relationship.
It may be tough to break off an engagement because of all the social, financial, and personal pressures that go with an engagement but Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, and marrying a person under any of these circumstances would not bring happiness. That is why throughout your courtship you should stay close to Heavenly Father, seeking his guidance and confirmation of your choices. He will either give you a confirmation or caution you against your choice with a “stupor of thought.” (D&C 9:8-9) The engagement is a wonderful period in your relationship and I hope you have found my advice for this time helpful.
Establishing Coupledom
Establishing yourselves as a couple when first married can be challenging, but there is some helpful advice I can give. When you first move in together after your wedding, some differences may arise that you may see as a challenge. The best way to deal with these challenges is to demonstrate humor when facing them. In the October 2008 conference Elder Wirthlin gave a talk titled, “Come What May and Love It.” He said the first antidote for challenges is to “learn to laugh.” Laughing can help the stress to melt away and let you see that your problems are not to big to tackle. Another method for confronting these challenges is to exercise patience and overlook small irritations. Do not forget that you love each other and that sometimes differences are a good thing. Showing that you can work through differences without upsetting your entire marriage will help you to gain an identity as a couple. People will see that you work well together, establishing a couple identity. On this subject, President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.” The couple needs time to adjust to their new situation and to become independent of their families. If a couple finds that they are having trouble with enmeshment (parents and children always having to be together) then there are some things they can do to remedy the situation. First, the child should express their love for their parents. Then they should explain the need to strengthen their couple identity and their expectations of family and couple relationship. (Helping 329) If the problem with enmeshment goes on unsolved it could lead to triangulation where the communication between a parent and a child is stronger than that of the child and their spouse.(Helping 329) Discussing boundaries with the in-laws at the beginning can be helpful in stopping these problems from occurring. Some extended families may want a couple at every family event or to help the couple with every problem. However, the Proclamation counsels against this saying, “Extended families should extend support when needed.” (7) Allowing a couple to solve their own problems and establishing their own traditions at holidays helps them to grow closer. However, this does not mean that a couple should completely cut themselves off from their extended family. Elder Marvin J. Ashton gave counsel on the subject when he said, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength.” Using the counsel given by the leaders of the Church and in the Proclamation a couple can have great success at establishing themselves in their new life.
Developing a Strong, Healthy Marriage
Developing a strong, healthy marriage is important and can bring many benefits to the family. The first thing you should decide, as a couple is that you would like your marriage to be successful. My professor, Dr. David C. Dollahite, showed us in class a way to stay on the path to successfully keeping the covenant of eternal marriage. The first decision you need to make as a couple would be to practice fidelity. The Proclamation warns against those who break this commitment saying that they “will one day stand accountable before God.” (8) Infidelity is also a great way to ruin a marriage, being the leading cause of divorce today. If a couple is committed to each other then they have surely started on the right path to a great marriage. To further strengthen the marriage Dr Dollahite also suggests that the couple also regularly attend the temple, serve one another and others, practice kindness, meekness and forgiveness, have a purpose in progressing the relationship, build the Kingdom together and raise righteous posterity. All of these things are intertwined and will help couples to develop a strong and healthy marriage. President Hinckley also gave advice on ways to strengthen marriage in his commencement address at BYU in April of 1995. He said,
“And when you are married be fiercely loyal to one another. Selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life. I have this one suggestion to offer. If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy and your marriage will go on through eternity.”
Going along with the principle of being selfless I think is having equality in the home. The Proclamation teaches us that mothers and fathers are to “help one another as equal partners.” (¶7) “President Benson taught that the patriarchal order is the family order of government, presided over by mothers and fathers.”(Strengthening p66) Elder Richard G Scott expounds on this and explains saying, “In the Lord’s plan, it takes two- a man and a woman- to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and a wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics.” Not being two identical halves but having equal partnership points to the sacred responsibilities fathers and mothers hold in the home. The Proclamation says the father is to preside in righteousness, provide the necessities of life for their families, and protect them too. Mothers have the sacred responsibility to nurture the children.(¶7) Fulfilling the sacred eternal roles set forth in the Proclamation is an excellent way to maintain a strong healthy marriage. Another very important principle that teaches how to achieve this kind of marriage is found, again, in the Proclamation . “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.” (¶7) If marriages are founded on such values and the teachings of Christ, many benefits can be found. The first is being sealed to your family for eternity, and there is no greater blessing than that. Also studies have found that married people are usually healthier, happier and wealthier than non-married people.(Strengthening p18-20) Marriage also benefits couples and individuals by providing a spiritual connection to their deepest values (such as religion), satisfies the human need for emotional and physical closeness, and among other things, offers legal rights and privileges. The benefits of a strong and healthy marriage can be reaped if you commit to having a successful marriage and follow the counsel of the leaders of the Church and the Proclamation.
The leaders of the Church and the Proclamation to the World are very helpful when planning a marriage during your engagement, establishing an identity as a couple, and strengthening your marriage. I am so happy that you are getting married. I hope the advice and counsel given in this letter are helpful to you too. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Alicia M. Reynolds
